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PUN​-​OFF: A Musical Inside the High​-​Stakes World of Pun Competitions

by Matthew Patrick Davis, Joe Chandler & Zach Paez

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1.
BRAD GUY The Pun. A revolution of language. More important to the rise of the modern age than the wheel -- or fire. Once revered as proof of intellect, the pun, lately, has fallen out of favor. STEVE But luckily there’s a sacred place The pun is glorified PUNSTERS Where men and women travel far and wide To watch people saying words That sound like other words In front of a crowd Screaming loud With every pun they sling And yes, a Pun Competition is a real thing STEVE The Annual PUNSTERS Pun-Off! STEVE It’s why we’re here Not just a PUNSTERS One-off! STEVE Oh no, it happens every year PUNSTERS Which is the definition of annual The Annual Pun-Off! STEVE Really exists Just look it up on your phone But not right now that would be rude PUNSTERS We didn’t make it up just for this story Or an excuse to be lyric’lly masturbatory STEVE Though as you will soon see It will also serve that PUNSTERS Purpose! STEVE The Annual PUNSTERS Pun-Off! STEVE Is a real thing PUNSTERS A thing for reals That grown-ups do for fun Awkward word nerds... pun! The Pun-Off is tomorrow Unbeknownst to a man On the other side of the city Who’s feeling pretty Shitty...
2.
Puneral 03:45
BEN Hi, I’m Ben Meg is my wife Thank you for coming to this Quote-unquote “Celebration of Life” Whatever that means Celebrate what? This just sucks my-- Sorry. Start again: Hi, I’m Ben Meg is my wife Yes: "IS" I won’t say "was" Meeting Meg is one of my life’s greatest events Plus she hates camping, she wouldn't wanna go "past tents." I was just trying to make a-- Sorry. Start again: Though, in my defense: You can’t spell “funeral” without “fun” And if Megs were here, she would’ve pardoned that pun The perfect girl I wed Not a bad word about her could be said She was the greatest thing... Since "sliced dead" Hey, this is how she would want to be remembered And I said “sliced dead” because she was dismembered ...By a bread truck. And that’s why it’s funny That I said, “Rye, God, Rye!” "Bake" me instead! You woulda liked that. I miss you. They say, “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” Well, now all my "Megs’" in one "casket." I miss you. Eggs make French toast So it works with the bread theme Let’s keep going. This is working. This is a good idea. I miss you. We’d stay up past our "bread"-time Hour after hour I’d say, "'Bread'-y or not, here I 'crumb'” And bring her a "flour" She was the "toast" of the town Wouldn’t let nothing "grain"-d her down "Ciabatta" believe it Yes, you "butter" believe it She was second to "naan" "Baguette" about it She never "kneaded" "dough" She knew how to "pump-her-nickel" She didn’t stick to gender "rolls" Smash the "pastry"-archy Smash the "pastry"-archy That’s a good one. I know these jokes are "crumby" and "stale" She deserves "butter" than "challah" these stupid puns This "scone"’t go on much longer But I "do-nut" wanna stop ‘Cause it’s the "yeast" I can do To show how I "loaf" her And you can’t spell “funeral” without “fun” If Megs were here, this is what she’d want done And I miss you, "Honey bun." Rest in "pieces." Thank you for coming.
3.
AMY Dad! What was that? What the hell was that? You turned Mom’s funeral Into some kind of weird joke Is your brain broke? BEN Umm... no? UNCLE/AUNT What was that? What the hell was that? UNCLE He turned my sister’s eulogy Into some kind of sick show We gotta go-- AUNT Shh-- he’s grieving UNCLE No. We’re leaving. AUNT Ben! That was a... really... beautiful tribute. UNCLE No. It was sick! BEN I know, it was inappropriate. I guess I’m... Just a "widow" upset Sorry, that just came out! ‘Cuz I’m a "widow" upset? UNCLE You’ve gone too far BEN This is just how I get AUNT Something’s wrong BEN When I’m a "widow" upset UNCLE I’ll go get the car BEN Wait, I thought that you would come to the reception And now I’m feeling recep-"shunned"-- I didn’t mean to do that! I’m just a "widow" upset! AMY Now what was that? What the fuck was that? BEN Language! I honestly didn’t mean To offend your mother’s brother AMY With awful jokes one after another? BEN They aren’t awful jokes They’re awful puns And your Mom would’ve thought that they were awful-ly good Sorry, I’ll stop. I’m... just a "widow" upset Maybe I can’t stop! ‘Cuz I’m a "widow" upset AMY Does this need to be said? That a funeral is not the right time or place To list 50 different kinds of bread I’m afraid of what you will say next And how’d you make those slides? You can’t even text! BEN I’m just a "widow" upset BOSS Hey Ben, sorry for your loss BEN Thank you, Boss BOSS Take as long as you need To come back to the office BEN I’ll come back to the “Microsoft” Office With a new “Outlook” So I can “Excel” “Word.” BOSS Good God. Forget it, don’t ever come back. BEN No need to get “Clippy!” The paper clip, remember?? I just lost my job. AMY Yeah! So you acknowledge these jokes are inappropriate? BEN I... "egg"-knowlege these "yolks" AMY Oh come on! BEN Are inappropriate. AMY Thank you. BEN But also... "Egg"-cellent And should’ve gone "over-easy" At this "shell"-e-bratory event Ev’ry "yolk" I’d hatch your mom’d get So "ome-lette" myself get Just a "widow" upset AMY You have a problem BEN I "egg" to differ AMY You need therapy BEN I dis-"egg"-gree AMY You’re exhausting BEN "Egg"-xhausting AMY STOP SAYING EGG! BEN "Egg"-kay. I mean-- O. Kay. I’ll come to therapy. AMY Good. ‘Cuz you’re Clearly more BOTH Than a "widow" upset! AMY Ugh, you made me say "widow."
4.
PUNSTERS The Annual Pun-Off Is finally here Not just a one-off Oh no, it happens every year Which is the definition of annual The Annual Pun-Off Really exists What makes people groan or moan Makes us pump our fists STEVE It was raining cats and dogs yesterday. I stepped in a "poodle." PUNSTERS Yes! Been going for the 40th year running Yes, competitive punning Is a real thing A thing for reals That grown-ups do for fun Awkward word nerds pun DALE They say a good pun is like a steak: A "rare" "medium" "well done" But here we pun better than anyone Which is impressive to almost no one ROSY/STEVE We own the groan ALICE/JAN/JODY We binge the cringe DALE/ROSY Shooting up addictions with a pun syringe PUNSTERS We take it super seriously and get excited Even though it’s universally derided ALESSIO I’m the "laugh" of the party! PUNSTERS We never let a pun be left unpunned And so from all polite society we’re shunned It’s a real thing A thing for reals That grown-ups do for fun Awkward word nerds pun JODY You may never ever get a husband or wife But you’ll be accepted socially for once in your life PUNSTERS At the Pun-Off At the Pun-Off ALESSIO It’s the only shot you’ve ever got at getting laid 'Cuz in every conversation you throw a grenade PUNSTERS At the Pun-Off At the Pun-Off The perfect pun is all of our white whale There ain’t a train a’ thought we won’t derail We’re not listening to anything that you’re saying We shoehorn that wordplay in At the Pun-Off JAN We’re like terrorists seeking ruination We’ll fly a plane into the building of your conversation Yes, that’s a reference to 9/11 We just want our 72 "versions" of words in pun heaven PUNSTERS At the Annual Pun-Off We’re tragically pale Please keep the sun off You’re almost translucent Use the SPF you sent To the Pun-Off There’s a girl named Dale Who’ll twist the English language into a pretzel If not her, then that weird guy in sweats’ll It's a disease Please just kill me please Or if you won’t mercifully end me Then just send me To the Annual Pun-Off To the Annual Pun-Off It’s the Annual Pun-Off It’s the place where all our stupid dad jokes Become super duper rad jokes At the Pun-Off!
5.
My People 00:39
BEN My people! I finally found my people! I am overwhelmed JAN Hi, “Overwhelmed,” my name’s Jan BEN That’s exactly what I would I would say! My people! I finally found my people! And looking thru my "peep-hole" I can see my people And finally I feel peep "whole"
6.
Pun Pride 03:54
DALE I want some boots. And I want some cats. STEVE "Boots-and-cats-and-boots-and-cats, boots-and-cats-and-boots- and-cats..." DALE People don’t appreciate We’re surrounded by puns every day From the names of your entrees: PUNSTERS “Moons Over My Hammy!” DALE To the names of yachts: STEVE “The Codfather” ALESSIO “Breaking Bass” JAN “Bass 2 Mouth” DALE Plus we’ve heard there’s lots Of examples in rap DALE/JAN We would give those examples If we knew about rap DALE/STEVE/JAN But we do know about the New York Post And their bomb-ass headlines: PUNSTERS “Trump Slips on Ban Appeal” “Obama Beats Weiner” You have got to cast aside Those who deride The you inside Your pun pride Your pun pride You gotta have Pun pride Pun pride (2x) STEVE People don’t appreciate The amount of famous people who punned: Like that English playwright Who wrote more puns than you could "Shake-a-spear" at Mercutio’s dying words were: “Ask for me tomorrow and you’ll find me a 'grave' man” Oooh, spooky pun... JAN Then there’s a Jewish carpenter You might have heard of What was his name? Oh yeah: JESUS. His puns were so reliable And if you don’t find all that "wholly buyable" JAN/STEVE He said, “You may be fisherman now But I’m gonna make ya Fishers-OF-men” Yes, that’s hilarious! PUNSTERS You have got to cast aside Those who deride The you inside Your pun pride Your pun pride JAN All hail the "Pun" of God! DALE Not everyone is built like this You can dance with language in your mind BEN I’ve got a gift I can’t dismiss I’m like Jesus and Shakespeare combined DALE/BEN Juggling both sound and meaning Connecting worlds so disparate Be proud and loud, don’t whisper it The world is exploding From those who divide us But take that detritus And unite us BEN People don’t appreciate The hate we get every day To pun in public is highly dangerous JODY Yesterday I got straight up slapped ALESSIO And I got fired JAN My husband left BEN My daughter hates my guts PUNSTERS You gotta fight the homophone-a-phobia Don’t you cause it Come out of your pun closet-- DALE --Before going back inside when the weekend’s over, of course. PUNSTERS You have got to cast aside Those who deride The you inside Your pun pride Your pun pride You gotta have pun pride Pun pride Pun pride I’m repeatedly punched by strangers But I’ll never change who I am I’m repeatedly punched by strangers But I’ll never change, please punch me again, good ma’am Sitting alone at lunches But I say bring on the punches Bring on the punches (2x) Cuz I will pun punch back With my pun pride!
7.
BRAD GUY A pun is not for fun A pun is serious You hack So I’ll "hack" you nicely: Stop making hack puns Go "hack" yourself to "hack" and back A pun is not for laughter A sound a child makes Obscene, absurd A pun is for a sober Grunt of acknowledgment that Wordplay has occurred A pun is serious! A pun is serious! Like my favorite film “2 Fast 2 F-eerious” It’s serious The word “wordplay” is wrong It is “word-WORK” And I work every wide word I’m a "word"-worker "Word"-working in my "word"-shop Earning my weight in "word" It’s a high holy practice Crafting the Word of God Yes, “God:” my clever little nickname for myself The fans applaud A pun is serious! A pun is serious! Like a gun in your face Would you find that hil-eerious? No! It’s serious! The world is at war That’s always been true But now we’re at war with the word That’s right, it’s "Word" War "Too" MINION Yeah, but like, not “t-w-o,” “t-o-o,” so good... BRAD GUY Stop explaining my puns! Everyone leave me alone Pun fun? I pity it My paronomasia Is gonna amaze-ya Yes, “paronomasia” means “pun” You idiot! You are not serious You’re nearly delirious It’s almost too easy I shall be vict-eerious I’m serious!
8.
BEN Avoid the ugly cry ‘Cuz no one likes a guy With an ugly cry AMY Dad, I’m concerned BEN Nah, 'cuz over life I’ve learned Avoid the ugly cry At all costs ‘Cuz that’s a hollow cost AMY What? BEN Meaning not worth much What’d you think I said? AMY Holocaust. BEN That's funny! A word heard is different than read Like a pun! AMY Dad, this is some toxic masculinity Plus, you gotta face it, Mom’s gone for, like, infinity BEN Hey, don’t you say that! AMY Why not say that? BOTH Because it’s true! BEN Just stay aloof Then magically, poof! Wave that bad bye-bye Who’s got two thumbs And is emotionally numb? This dry-eye guy If you see a tear Somehow appear It’s just something in my eye Or perhaps a stye AMY Give it a try BEN Cuz I’m a happy guy AMY That is a lie BEN/AMY Who does not ugly cry/Cry! BOTH All that sad don’t carry it BEN Yeah! Take that bad and bury it AMY No! BEN Deep deep down, Under ground Ain’t that clever? See ya never! You can’t mourn forever! AMY But you haven’t mourned at all! BEN Well, I’m not a "mourning" person. Avoid the ugly cry ‘Cuz if I start I Might never stop So I won’t start I’m closing off that heart BEN/AMY Doesn't that seem smart?/That does not seem smart! What am I supposed to feel this sad?/You're supposed to feel this sad! BEN No thank you! That’d hurt way too bad Stuff that frown down deep inside It’s almost like she never died! Who is “she?” Who am I referring to? Who could that be? I don’t know! Moving on with my "wife"-- Wait. Moving "Mom" with my life-- Wait. "Mom"-ving "Mom" "wife" my "wife"-- Stop! I'm gonna take those feelings Tamp ‘em down With a tamp Tamp tamp tamp tamp tamp tamp tamp Tamp ‘em down, never to be found With a tamp Tamp tamp tamp tamp tamp tamp tamp I'll do a "tamp" dance! I'll win the "tamp"-ionship And be a "tamp" champ Turn down the "tamp"-erature And get a "tamp" stamp C’mon, get your tamp on! Oh wait-- No, don’t "get a tampon." Again with words and their crazy double meanings! BEN/AMY I’m fine fine fine fine fine I’m fine fine fine fine fine/Not fine, not fine, not fine! I’m fine fine fine fine fine I’m fine fine fine fine fine/Not fine, not fine, not fine! BEN Obviously fine! AMY No way! BEN Totally doing fine! AMY Nuh-uh! BEN Clearly super fine! AMY No, you’re not! BEN That’s why I said it twenty times Like someone who is obviously doing fine! Oh yeah! AMY Oh no... BEN I’m fine! AMY ...you’re not!
9.
ALL We say the Right thing at the right time ‘Cuz in life most times we won’t But here we say the say the Right thing at the right time Well, until we don’t But it’s thrilling in the meantime To actually prevail And say the right thing at the right time ‘Cuz in life you’ll, without fail, fail ALESSIO I can be who I choose When the topic is “Shoes” This place "heels" my "sole" JAN I can forget my divorces When the topic is “Horses” Then my heart feels "foal" ALESSIO/JAN We said the right thing at the right time ROSY Dale and Jody, your topic is: “Musical Instruments!” DALE A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar, I said, “Is that a 'fret?'” MINION NO WAY!! YEAH! JODY Don’t mean to toot my horn. ROSY That’s not a pun, that’s just a saying. JODY I’m high strung? ROSY That’s a saying. JODY It’s drumming in my head? ROSY Well, at least that’s not a saying-- DALE You haven’t lost yet, "ba’ssoon" you will. MINION NO WAY SHE JUST SAID THAT. SICK BURN!! JODY Looking at you in that outfit makes me "horny." Did I do it again? ROSY Well, that’s creepy, but yes, that is a pun. JODY Oh damn, school’s in session! DALE This guy’s in "treble." Need help? ‘Cuz "Xylophone" a friend for ya. Or did you need a do-over? "Didja? Re-do?" Didgeridoo. I said the right thing at the right time With each perfect pun that I found So I’ll move on to the next round! DALE/JAN/ALESSIO We said the right thing at the right time... BEN When the topic is “Trees” I "elm" to please I feel so alive! People laugh at my "oaks" If not all of my "oaks" At least "forest" out of five This pun place is the one place I’m "poplar!" BRAD GUY I can’t relate to these hacks at all I always say the right thing And watch foes fall I could pun in my sleep It’s where I do most my training I could pun when it’s raining It’s not even draining BEN I guess it’s just you and I remaining ALL At the Pun-Off!
10.
Witzelsucht 02:20
DOCTOR It’s a real thing A thing for reals Just look it up on your phone But not right now that would be rude... There is a rare disorder Just a few known cases found around the globe But this rare disorder Is caused by lesions In the frontal lobe BEN “You say I only hear what I want to--” DOCTOR Witzelsucht! Yes, it is called Witzelsucht A silly German word That probably sounds absurd But it’s Witzelsucht I tell you, you have Witzelsucht Brain damage has been done And this is why you pun AMY This just sounds straight up made up Did you just make up a word or did somebody sneeze? DOCTOR No, it’s not made up It’s real A very dangerous disease Witzelsucht! I tell you, you have Witzelsucht It’s damage in your brain And so you pun again and again And again and again And again and again I’m sorry, I got stuck-t Talking about Witzelsucht An MRI you’re needing To see if your brain is bleeding AMY If this is true Perhaps I’ve been too mean It could explain why at the funeral He caused a scene DOCTOR You must help your father You’re his daughter BEN Please, does someone have some water? "Wat-er" I gotta do to get some water-- Ow! AMY Stop. Stop, Pop. AMY/DOCTOR Stop. Stop. DOCTOR Every joke you say Is like a tiny stroke, okay? Making all of your brain blood spout Each pun gets you one step closer to death! BEN Three "strokes" and you’re out-- Ow! DOCTOR Witzelsucht! I tell you, you have Witzelsucht It’s a real thing A thing for reals AMY This actually makes sense Surprising how this feels DOCTOR Witzelsucht! Witzelsucht! BEN Well, this’ll suck-t. DOCTOR Witzelsucht!
11.
AMY What... a... relief! BEN Yeah. Wait, what? AMY I thought you were just processing your grief In a really weird way Or even worse, were just a giant asshole BEN Hey! AMY Annoying me with every word you say It’s so good to know this BEN This is good? AMY Thank God we've got a diagnosis! And oh, thank God, you’ve got brain damage! BEN What? AMY No, I’m not glad you’ve got brain damage BEN Good. AMY I’m glad to *know* you’ve got brain damage BEN Huh? AMY At least that’s something that we can manage It's better than hearing: NURSE #1 Your Dad’s just an asshole AMY Better than hearing: NURSE #2 Your Dad’s a big jerk AMY Therapy, meds, and rehab Are all tasks I can help with AMY/NURSES So let’s get to work! And oh, thank God, you’ve got brain damage! No, we’re not glad you’ve got brain damage We’re glad to *know* you’ve got brain damage At least that’s something that we can manage AMY And I know it's sad But at least I’ll get my Dad Back at some point, presumably... Right? Is there a cure? We should find out for sure Before celebrating prematurely In a different key AMY/NURSES And oh, thank God, your brain is broken! No, we’re not glad your brain is broken We’re glad to *know* that all a’ that jokin’ Is the result of your brain strokin’ AMY Thank God you’re not just an asshole NURSES Thank God you’re not just insane AMY/NURSES You’re an asshole *seeming* Insane *seeming* Head trauma victim With damage in his brain!
12.
ROSY "Obi-wanna" shut up? "Ken-o-be" quiet? "Look, I am not my Father!" Bringing my Dad, Brian, up Makes me feel heavy But if you even "light say Br"-ian’s name I’ll "Darth Maul" you I know you "Are-too-durr-to" But why don’t "Chew- -bacca" the f*ck up "Yo! -Duh!" O-"Ky? ...lo-Ren?" Yeah, your name’s Loren now You know what Loren does? "Wook!" "E-woks" away "Solo" "Ja’ binks" you can do that? "Ja' Ja' Binks?" You’re looking for love in "Alderaan" places Cross my heart, I hope "Je-di" I’m the Emcee! And I "See-3P-Yo" bullshit I’m the Emcee I am the Judge I am the Ump So don’t come for the Umpire Because the "Umpire..." Strikes Back.
13.
BEN I’ve tried grieving good But, good grief, I’ve grieved bad I don’t know when I should Move on from feeling sad Should I move on fast Should I move on slow? Should I never be happy again? And how should I know? Should I not have made puns at my wife's funeral? Yeah, hearing that said that out-loud now seems super obvious See? I should have known I should have known I should have-- AMY --Hey! Stop "should"-ing all over yourself You’re making a mess If you don’t stop "should"-ing all over yourself You’ll have to shower and re-dress (Metaphorically, of course) A “should’s” not a good way to start And sometimes a “should” is a shart So go take a chance And go “change the pants” Of your heart BEN I’ll stop "should"-ing all over myself BOTH That should be a good start BEN To stop "should"-ing all over myself BOTH Should be good for my/your heart BEN I shouldn’t “should” anymore I should close the “should-eating” door And finally let The guilt and regret BOTH Stop "should"-ing all over myself/yourself No more "should"-ing all over myself/yourself No more “should” No “should”
14.
Pun Punching 00:15
ALL Pun punching! Punching with puns! Let’s get it done! It’s no longer for fun! Pun punching! Punching with puns! Two vs. one! Pun punching!
15.
BEN I’ll be your set up AMY I’ll be your punchline BEN We’ll never let up BOTH In the bar or in the lunch line We’ll never let a pun be left unpunned We will from all polite society be shunned BEN Word nerd smarties Ruining parties BOTH But we won’t be alone BEN In this pun-shaming world BOTH We will own the groan Together in a world we won’t get lost in BEN We’ll be annoying! AMY Obnoxious! BOTH Completely exhaustin’! ALL At the Annual Pun-Off At the Annual Pun-Off It’s the Annual Pun-Off BEN/AMY Where we will face our feelings Instead of run off ALL At the Pun-Off!

credits

released May 1, 2020

Follow instagram.com/punoffmusical

Book by Joe Chandler, Matthew Patrick Davis & Zach Paez
Music & Lyrics by Matthew Patrick Davis
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PUN-OFF is a dark comedic musical inside the high-stakes world of Pun Competitions, which are a real thing that actually exist. A celebration of awkward word nerds, and an excuse to shoehorn as much wordplay into songs as possible. Think "Putnam County Spelling Bee," but instead of being about adorably nerdy kids it’s about outcast grown-ups. It’s also about grief and death.

At the center of the story is Ben, who has just lost his wife. He is processing his grief in an odd manner, as evidenced by his eulogy that veers into a run of 26 straight bread puns -- after all, his wife died in a tragic bread truck accident. Upon discovering that Pun Competitions exist, he escapes further into denial by going to the Annual Pun-Off, the place where he never has to talk normally again.

PUN-OFF is a musical about family: whether it’s the group of shunned punsters finding a makeshift family once a year, our villain and eight-time defending Pun-Off Champion, Brad Guy, actively pushing away love and friendship, or Ben, seeking to redefine what family means in the new normal of loss. Will his daughter, Amy, be able to get him to finally face his grief and mourn? Might be tough, he’s not a mourning person.
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Original Production Directed & Choreographed by Kathryn Burns

Workshopped at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in Los Angeles
Presented by Quick & Funny Musicals

Cast:
Ben: Matthew Patrick Davis
Amy: Maddi Fraser
Rosy: Meghan Parks
Steve: Henry Kaiser
Brad Guy/Boss: Gabe Greenspan
Minion/Uncle/Nurse: Joseph Porter
Jody/Doctor: Nate Clark
Dale/Aunt/Nurse: Marie Lively
Jan/Therapist: Muriel Montgomery
Alessio: DarylJim Diaz

Album recorded, mixed and produced by Matthew Patrick Davis
Piano/etc: Matthew Patrick Davis
Guitar: Michael O'Konis

Cover Art by Chris VanArtsdalen

Special thanks to Christopher Given Harrison & Brad Davis

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Matthew Patrick Davis Los Angeles, California

Not to be hyperbolic, but Matthew Patrick Davis is a musical genius.

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