1. |
Annual Pun-Off Opening
01:58
|
|||
BRAD GUY
The Pun. A revolution of language. More important to the rise of the modern age than the wheel -- or fire. Once revered as proof of intellect, the pun, lately, has fallen out of favor.
STEVE
But luckily there’s a sacred place
The pun is glorified
PUNSTERS
Where men and women travel far and wide
To watch people saying words
That sound like other words
In front of a crowd
Screaming loud
With every pun they sling
And yes, a Pun Competition is a real thing
STEVE
The Annual
PUNSTERS
Pun-Off!
STEVE
It’s why we’re here
Not just a
PUNSTERS
One-off!
STEVE
Oh no, it happens every year
PUNSTERS
Which is the definition of annual
The Annual Pun-Off!
STEVE
Really exists
Just look it up on your phone
But not right now that would be rude
PUNSTERS
We didn’t make it up just for this story
Or an excuse to be lyric’lly masturbatory
STEVE
Though as you will soon see
It will also serve that
PUNSTERS
Purpose!
STEVE
The Annual
PUNSTERS
Pun-Off!
STEVE
Is a real thing
PUNSTERS
A thing for reals
That grown-ups do for fun
Awkward word nerds... pun!
The Pun-Off is tomorrow
Unbeknownst to a man
On the other side of the city
Who’s feeling pretty
Shitty...
|
||||
2. |
Puneral
03:45
|
|||
BEN
Hi, I’m Ben
Meg is my wife
Thank you for coming to this
Quote-unquote “Celebration of Life”
Whatever that means
Celebrate what?
This just sucks my--
Sorry.
Start again:
Hi, I’m Ben
Meg is my wife
Yes: "IS"
I won’t say "was"
Meeting Meg is one of my life’s greatest events
Plus she hates camping, she wouldn't wanna go "past tents."
I was just trying to make a--
Sorry.
Start again:
Though, in my defense:
You can’t spell “funeral” without “fun”
And if Megs were here, she would’ve pardoned that pun
The perfect girl I wed
Not a bad word about her could be said
She was the greatest thing...
Since "sliced dead"
Hey, this is how she would want to be remembered
And I said “sliced dead” because she was dismembered
...By a bread truck.
And that’s why it’s funny
That I said, “Rye, God, Rye!”
"Bake" me instead!
You woulda liked that.
I miss you.
They say, “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket”
Well, now all my "Megs’" in one "casket."
I miss you.
Eggs make French toast
So it works with the bread theme
Let’s keep going. This is working. This is a good idea.
I miss you.
We’d stay up past our "bread"-time
Hour after hour
I’d say, "'Bread'-y or not, here I 'crumb'”
And bring her a "flour"
She was the "toast" of the town
Wouldn’t let nothing "grain"-d her down
"Ciabatta" believe it
Yes, you "butter" believe it
She was second to "naan"
"Baguette" about it
She never "kneaded" "dough"
She knew how to "pump-her-nickel"
She didn’t stick to gender "rolls"
Smash the "pastry"-archy
Smash the "pastry"-archy
That’s a good one.
I know these jokes are "crumby" and "stale"
She deserves "butter" than "challah" these stupid puns
This "scone"’t go on much longer
But I "do-nut" wanna stop
‘Cause it’s the "yeast" I can do
To show how I "loaf" her
And you can’t spell “funeral” without “fun”
If Megs were here, this is what she’d want done
And I miss you,
"Honey bun."
Rest in "pieces."
Thank you for coming.
|
||||
3. |
I'm Just a Widow Upset
03:05
|
|||
AMY
Dad! What was that?
What the hell was that?
You turned Mom’s funeral
Into some kind of weird joke
Is your brain broke?
BEN
Umm... no?
UNCLE/AUNT
What was that?
What the hell was that?
UNCLE
He turned my sister’s eulogy
Into some kind of sick show
We gotta go--
AUNT
Shh-- he’s grieving
UNCLE
No. We’re leaving.
AUNT
Ben! That was a... really... beautiful tribute.
UNCLE
No. It was sick!
BEN
I know, it was inappropriate. I guess I’m...
Just a "widow" upset
Sorry, that just came out!
‘Cuz I’m a "widow" upset?
UNCLE
You’ve gone too far
BEN
This is just how I get
AUNT
Something’s wrong
BEN
When I’m a "widow" upset
UNCLE
I’ll go get the car
BEN
Wait, I thought that you would come to the reception
And now I’m feeling recep-"shunned"--
I didn’t mean to do that!
I’m just a "widow" upset!
AMY
Now what was that?
What the fuck was that?
BEN
Language!
I honestly didn’t mean
To offend your mother’s brother
AMY
With awful jokes one after another?
BEN
They aren’t awful jokes
They’re awful puns
And your Mom would’ve thought that they were awful-ly good
Sorry, I’ll stop.
I’m... just a "widow" upset
Maybe I can’t stop!
‘Cuz I’m a "widow" upset
AMY
Does this need to be said?
That a funeral is not the right time or place
To list 50 different kinds of bread
I’m afraid of what you will say next
And how’d you make those slides? You can’t even text!
BEN
I’m just a "widow" upset
BOSS
Hey Ben, sorry for your loss
BEN
Thank you, Boss
BOSS
Take as long as you need
To come back to the office
BEN
I’ll come back to the “Microsoft” Office
With a new “Outlook”
So I can “Excel”
“Word.”
BOSS
Good God. Forget it, don’t ever come back.
BEN
No need to get “Clippy!” The paper clip, remember?? I just lost my job.
AMY
Yeah! So you acknowledge these jokes are inappropriate?
BEN
I... "egg"-knowlege these "yolks"
AMY
Oh come on!
BEN
Are inappropriate.
AMY
Thank you.
BEN
But also...
"Egg"-cellent
And should’ve gone "over-easy"
At this "shell"-e-bratory event
Ev’ry "yolk" I’d hatch your mom’d get
So "ome-lette" myself get
Just a "widow" upset
AMY
You have a problem
BEN
I "egg" to differ
AMY
You need therapy
BEN
I dis-"egg"-gree
AMY
You’re exhausting
BEN
"Egg"-xhausting
AMY
STOP SAYING EGG!
BEN
"Egg"-kay. I mean-- O. Kay. I’ll come to therapy.
AMY
Good.
‘Cuz you’re
Clearly more
BOTH
Than a "widow" upset!
AMY
Ugh, you made me say "widow."
|
||||
4. |
The Annual Pun-Off
03:15
|
|||
PUNSTERS
The Annual Pun-Off
Is finally here
Not just a one-off
Oh no, it happens every year
Which is the definition of annual
The Annual Pun-Off
Really exists
What makes people groan or moan
Makes us pump our fists
STEVE
It was raining cats and dogs yesterday. I stepped in a "poodle."
PUNSTERS
Yes!
Been going for the 40th year running
Yes, competitive punning
Is a real thing
A thing for reals
That grown-ups do for fun
Awkward word nerds pun
DALE
They say a good pun is like a steak:
A "rare" "medium" "well done"
But here we pun better than anyone
Which is impressive to almost no one
ROSY/STEVE
We own the groan
ALICE/JAN/JODY
We binge the cringe
DALE/ROSY
Shooting up addictions with a pun syringe
PUNSTERS
We take it super seriously and get excited
Even though it’s universally derided
ALESSIO
I’m the "laugh" of the party!
PUNSTERS
We never let a pun be left unpunned
And so from all polite society we’re shunned
It’s a real thing
A thing for reals
That grown-ups do for fun
Awkward word nerds pun
JODY
You may never ever get a husband or wife
But you’ll be accepted socially for once in your life
PUNSTERS
At the Pun-Off
At the Pun-Off
ALESSIO
It’s the only shot you’ve ever got at getting laid
'Cuz in every conversation you throw a grenade
PUNSTERS
At the Pun-Off
At the Pun-Off
The perfect pun is all of our white whale
There ain’t a train a’ thought we won’t derail
We’re not listening to anything that you’re saying
We shoehorn that wordplay in
At the Pun-Off
JAN
We’re like terrorists seeking ruination
We’ll fly a plane into the building of your conversation
Yes, that’s a reference to 9/11
We just want our 72 "versions" of words in pun heaven
PUNSTERS
At the Annual Pun-Off
We’re tragically pale
Please keep the sun off
You’re almost translucent
Use the SPF you sent
To the Pun-Off
There’s a girl named Dale
Who’ll twist the English language into a pretzel
If not her, then that weird guy in sweats’ll
It's a disease
Please just kill me please
Or if you won’t mercifully end me
Then just send me
To the Annual Pun-Off
To the Annual Pun-Off
It’s the Annual Pun-Off
It’s the place where all our stupid dad jokes
Become super duper rad jokes
At the Pun-Off!
|
||||
5. |
My People
00:39
|
|||
BEN
My people!
I finally found my people!
I am overwhelmed
JAN
Hi, “Overwhelmed,” my name’s Jan
BEN
That’s exactly what I would I would say!
My people!
I finally found my people!
And looking thru my "peep-hole"
I can see my people
And finally I feel peep "whole"
|
||||
6. |
Pun Pride
03:54
|
|||
DALE
I want some boots. And I want some cats.
STEVE
"Boots-and-cats-and-boots-and-cats, boots-and-cats-and-boots-
and-cats..."
DALE
People don’t appreciate
We’re surrounded by puns every day
From the names of your entrees:
PUNSTERS
“Moons Over My Hammy!”
DALE
To the names of yachts:
STEVE
“The Codfather”
ALESSIO
“Breaking Bass”
JAN
“Bass 2 Mouth”
DALE
Plus we’ve heard there’s lots
Of examples in rap
DALE/JAN
We would give those examples
If we knew about rap
DALE/STEVE/JAN
But we do know about the New York Post
And their bomb-ass headlines:
PUNSTERS
“Trump Slips on Ban Appeal”
“Obama Beats Weiner”
You have got to cast aside
Those who deride
The you inside
Your pun pride
Your pun pride
You gotta have
Pun pride
Pun pride (2x)
STEVE
People don’t appreciate
The amount of famous people who punned:
Like that English playwright
Who wrote more puns than you could
"Shake-a-spear" at
Mercutio’s dying words were:
“Ask for me tomorrow and you’ll find me a 'grave' man”
Oooh, spooky pun...
JAN
Then there’s a Jewish carpenter
You might have heard of
What was his name?
Oh yeah: JESUS.
His puns were so reliable
And if you don’t find all that "wholly buyable"
JAN/STEVE
He said, “You may be fisherman now
But I’m gonna make ya
Fishers-OF-men”
Yes, that’s hilarious!
PUNSTERS
You have got to cast aside
Those who deride
The you inside
Your pun pride
Your pun pride
JAN
All hail the "Pun" of God!
DALE
Not everyone is built like this
You can dance with language in your mind
BEN
I’ve got a gift I can’t dismiss
I’m like Jesus and Shakespeare combined
DALE/BEN
Juggling both sound and meaning
Connecting worlds so disparate
Be proud and loud, don’t whisper it
The world is exploding
From those who divide us
But take that detritus
And unite us
BEN
People don’t appreciate
The hate we get every day
To pun in public is highly dangerous
JODY
Yesterday I got straight up slapped
ALESSIO
And I got fired
JAN
My husband left
BEN
My daughter hates my guts
PUNSTERS
You gotta fight the homophone-a-phobia
Don’t you cause it
Come out of your pun closet--
DALE
--Before going back inside when the weekend’s over, of course.
PUNSTERS
You have got to cast aside
Those who deride
The you inside
Your pun pride
Your pun pride
You gotta have pun pride
Pun pride
Pun pride
I’m repeatedly punched by strangers
But I’ll never change who I am
I’m repeatedly punched by strangers
But I’ll never change, please punch me again, good ma’am
Sitting alone at lunches
But I say bring on the punches
Bring on the punches (2x)
Cuz I will pun punch back
With my pun pride!
|
||||
7. |
A Pun is Not for Fun
02:04
|
|||
BRAD GUY
A pun is not for fun
A pun is serious
You hack
So I’ll "hack" you nicely:
Stop making hack puns
Go "hack" yourself to "hack" and back
A pun is not for laughter
A sound a child makes
Obscene, absurd
A pun is for a sober
Grunt of acknowledgment that
Wordplay has occurred
A pun is serious!
A pun is serious!
Like my favorite film
“2 Fast 2 F-eerious”
It’s serious
The word “wordplay” is wrong
It is “word-WORK”
And I work every wide word
I’m a "word"-worker
"Word"-working in my "word"-shop
Earning my weight in "word"
It’s a high holy practice
Crafting the Word of God
Yes, “God:” my clever little nickname for myself
The fans applaud
A pun is serious!
A pun is serious!
Like a gun in your face
Would you find that hil-eerious?
No! It’s serious!
The world is at war
That’s always been true
But now we’re at war with the word
That’s right, it’s "Word" War "Too"
MINION
Yeah, but like, not “t-w-o,” “t-o-o,” so good...
BRAD GUY
Stop explaining my puns!
Everyone leave me alone
Pun fun? I pity it
My paronomasia
Is gonna amaze-ya
Yes, “paronomasia” means “pun”
You idiot!
You are not serious
You’re nearly delirious
It’s almost too easy
I shall be vict-eerious
I’m serious!
|
||||
8. |
Ugly Cry / Tamp Dance
02:59
|
|||
BEN
Avoid the ugly cry
‘Cuz no one likes a guy
With an ugly cry
AMY
Dad, I’m concerned
BEN
Nah, 'cuz over life I’ve learned
Avoid the ugly cry
At all costs
‘Cuz that’s a hollow cost
AMY
What?
BEN
Meaning not worth much
What’d you think I said?
AMY
Holocaust.
BEN
That's funny!
A word heard is different than read
Like a pun!
AMY
Dad, this is some toxic masculinity
Plus, you gotta face it, Mom’s gone for, like, infinity
BEN
Hey, don’t you say that!
AMY
Why not say that?
BOTH
Because it’s true!
BEN
Just stay aloof
Then magically, poof!
Wave that bad bye-bye
Who’s got two thumbs
And is emotionally numb?
This dry-eye guy
If you see a tear
Somehow appear
It’s just something in my eye
Or perhaps a stye
AMY
Give it a try
BEN
Cuz I’m a happy guy
AMY
That is a lie
BEN/AMY
Who does not ugly cry/Cry!
BOTH
All that sad don’t carry it
BEN
Yeah! Take that bad and bury it
AMY
No!
BEN
Deep deep down,
Under ground
Ain’t that clever?
See ya never!
You can’t mourn forever!
AMY
But you haven’t mourned at all!
BEN
Well, I’m not a "mourning" person.
Avoid the ugly cry
‘Cuz if I start I
Might never stop
So I won’t start
I’m closing off that heart
BEN/AMY
Doesn't that seem smart?/That does not seem smart!
What am I supposed to feel this sad?/You're supposed to feel this sad!
BEN
No thank you! That’d hurt way too bad
Stuff that frown down deep inside
It’s almost like she never died!
Who is “she?” Who am I referring to?
Who could that be? I don’t know!
Moving on with my "wife"--
Wait.
Moving "Mom" with my life--
Wait.
"Mom"-ving "Mom" "wife" my "wife"--
Stop!
I'm gonna take those feelings
Tamp ‘em down
With a tamp
Tamp tamp tamp tamp tamp tamp tamp
Tamp ‘em down, never to be found
With a tamp
Tamp tamp tamp tamp tamp tamp tamp
I'll do a "tamp" dance!
I'll win the "tamp"-ionship
And be a "tamp" champ
Turn down the "tamp"-erature
And get a "tamp" stamp
C’mon, get your tamp on!
Oh wait-- No, don’t "get a tampon." Again with words and their crazy double meanings!
BEN/AMY
I’m fine fine fine fine fine
I’m fine fine fine fine fine/Not fine, not fine, not fine!
I’m fine fine fine fine fine
I’m fine fine fine fine fine/Not fine, not fine, not fine!
BEN
Obviously fine!
AMY
No way!
BEN
Totally doing fine!
AMY
Nuh-uh!
BEN
Clearly super fine!
AMY
No, you’re not!
BEN
That’s why I said it twenty times
Like someone who is obviously doing fine!
Oh yeah!
AMY
Oh no...
BEN
I’m fine!
AMY
...you’re not!
|
||||
9. |
Right Thing Right Time
02:47
|
|||
ALL
We say the
Right thing at the right time
‘Cuz in life most times we won’t
But here we say the say the
Right thing at the right time
Well, until we don’t
But it’s thrilling in the meantime
To actually prevail
And say the right thing at the right time
‘Cuz in life you’ll, without fail, fail
ALESSIO
I can be who I choose
When the topic is “Shoes”
This place "heels" my "sole"
JAN
I can forget my divorces
When the topic is “Horses”
Then my heart feels "foal"
ALESSIO/JAN
We said the right thing at the right time
ROSY
Dale and Jody, your topic is: “Musical Instruments!”
DALE
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar, I said, “Is that a 'fret?'”
MINION
NO WAY!! YEAH!
JODY
Don’t mean to toot my horn.
ROSY
That’s not a pun, that’s just a saying.
JODY
I’m high strung?
ROSY
That’s a saying.
JODY
It’s drumming in my head?
ROSY
Well, at least that’s not a saying--
DALE
You haven’t lost yet, "ba’ssoon" you will.
MINION
NO WAY SHE JUST SAID THAT. SICK BURN!!
JODY
Looking at you in that outfit makes me "horny." Did I do it again?
ROSY
Well, that’s creepy, but yes, that is a pun.
JODY
Oh damn, school’s in session!
DALE
This guy’s in "treble." Need help? ‘Cuz "Xylophone" a friend
for ya. Or did you need a do-over? "Didja? Re-do?"
Didgeridoo.
I said the right thing at the right time
With each perfect pun that I found
So I’ll move on to the next round!
DALE/JAN/ALESSIO
We said the right thing at the right time...
BEN
When the topic is “Trees”
I "elm" to please
I feel so alive!
People laugh at my "oaks"
If not all of my "oaks"
At least "forest" out of five
This pun place is the one place
I’m "poplar!"
BRAD GUY
I can’t relate to these hacks at all
I always say the right thing
And watch foes fall
I could pun in my sleep
It’s where I do most my training
I could pun when it’s raining
It’s not even draining
BEN
I guess it’s just you and I remaining
ALL
At the Pun-Off!
|
||||
10. |
Witzelsucht
02:20
|
|||
DOCTOR
It’s a real thing
A thing for reals
Just look it up on your phone
But not right now that would be rude...
There is a rare disorder
Just a few known cases found around the globe
But this rare disorder
Is caused by lesions
In the frontal lobe
BEN
“You say I only hear what I want to--”
DOCTOR
Witzelsucht!
Yes, it is called Witzelsucht
A silly German word
That probably sounds absurd
But it’s Witzelsucht
I tell you, you have Witzelsucht
Brain damage has been done
And this is why you pun
AMY
This just sounds straight up made up
Did you just make up a word or did somebody sneeze?
DOCTOR
No, it’s not made up
It’s real
A very dangerous disease
Witzelsucht!
I tell you, you have Witzelsucht
It’s damage in your brain
And so you pun again and again
And again and again
And again and again
I’m sorry, I got stuck-t
Talking about Witzelsucht
An MRI you’re needing
To see if your brain is bleeding
AMY
If this is true
Perhaps I’ve been too mean
It could explain why at the funeral
He caused a scene
DOCTOR
You must help your father
You’re his daughter
BEN
Please, does someone have some water?
"Wat-er" I gotta do to get some water-- Ow!
AMY
Stop. Stop, Pop.
AMY/DOCTOR
Stop. Stop.
DOCTOR
Every joke you say
Is like a tiny stroke, okay?
Making all of your brain blood spout
Each pun gets you one step closer to death!
BEN
Three "strokes" and you’re out-- Ow!
DOCTOR
Witzelsucht!
I tell you, you have Witzelsucht
It’s a real thing
A thing for reals
AMY
This actually makes sense
Surprising how this feels
DOCTOR
Witzelsucht!
Witzelsucht!
BEN
Well, this’ll suck-t.
DOCTOR
Witzelsucht!
|
||||
11. |
||||
AMY
What... a... relief!
BEN
Yeah. Wait, what?
AMY
I thought you were just processing your grief
In a really weird way
Or even worse, were just a giant asshole
BEN
Hey!
AMY
Annoying me with every word you say
It’s so good to know this
BEN
This is good?
AMY
Thank God we've got a diagnosis!
And oh, thank God, you’ve got brain damage!
BEN
What?
AMY
No, I’m not glad you’ve got brain damage
BEN
Good.
AMY
I’m glad to *know* you’ve got brain damage
BEN
Huh?
AMY
At least that’s something that we can manage
It's better than hearing:
NURSE #1
Your Dad’s just an asshole
AMY
Better than hearing:
NURSE #2
Your Dad’s a big jerk
AMY
Therapy, meds, and rehab
Are all tasks I can help with
AMY/NURSES
So let’s get to work!
And oh, thank God, you’ve got brain damage!
No, we’re not glad you’ve got brain damage
We’re glad to *know* you’ve got brain damage
At least that’s something that we can manage
AMY
And I know it's sad
But at least I’ll get my Dad
Back at some point, presumably...
Right? Is there a cure?
We should find out for sure
Before celebrating prematurely
In a different key
AMY/NURSES
And oh, thank God, your brain is broken!
No, we’re not glad your brain is broken
We’re glad to *know* that all a’ that jokin’
Is the result of your brain strokin’
AMY
Thank God you’re not just an asshole
NURSES
Thank God you’re not just insane
AMY/NURSES
You’re an asshole *seeming*
Insane *seeming*
Head trauma victim
With damage in his brain!
|
||||
12. |
The Umpire Strikes Back
01:16
|
|||
ROSY
"Obi-wanna" shut up?
"Ken-o-be" quiet?
"Look, I am not my Father!"
Bringing my Dad, Brian, up
Makes me feel heavy
But if you even "light say Br"-ian’s name
I’ll "Darth Maul" you
I know you "Are-too-durr-to"
But why don’t "Chew-
-bacca" the f*ck up
"Yo! -Duh!"
O-"Ky? ...lo-Ren?"
Yeah, your name’s Loren now
You know what Loren does?
"Wook!" "E-woks" away
"Solo"
"Ja’ binks" you can do that?
"Ja' Ja' Binks?"
You’re looking for love
in "Alderaan" places
Cross my heart, I hope "Je-di"
I’m the Emcee!
And I "See-3P-Yo" bullshit
I’m the Emcee
I am the Judge
I am the Ump
So don’t come for the Umpire
Because the "Umpire..."
Strikes Back.
|
||||
13. |
||||
BEN
I’ve tried grieving good
But, good grief, I’ve grieved bad
I don’t know when I should
Move on from feeling sad
Should I move on fast
Should I move on slow?
Should I never be happy again?
And how should I know?
Should I not have made puns at my wife's funeral?
Yeah, hearing that said that out-loud now seems super obvious
See? I should have known
I should have known
I should have--
AMY
--Hey!
Stop "should"-ing all over yourself
You’re making a mess
If you don’t stop "should"-ing all over yourself
You’ll have to shower and re-dress
(Metaphorically, of course)
A “should’s” not a good way to start
And sometimes a “should” is a shart
So go take a chance
And go “change the pants”
Of your heart
BEN
I’ll stop "should"-ing all over myself
BOTH
That should be a good start
BEN
To stop "should"-ing all over myself
BOTH
Should be good for my/your heart
BEN
I shouldn’t “should” anymore
I should close the “should-eating” door
And finally let
The guilt and regret
BOTH
Stop "should"-ing all over myself/yourself
No more "should"-ing all over myself/yourself
No more “should”
No “should”
|
||||
14. |
Pun Punching
00:15
|
|||
ALL
Pun punching!
Punching with puns!
Let’s get it done!
It’s no longer for fun!
Pun punching!
Punching with puns!
Two vs. one!
Pun punching!
|
||||
15. |
Annual Pun-Off (Reprise)
00:52
|
|||
BEN
I’ll be your set up
AMY
I’ll be your punchline
BEN
We’ll never let up
BOTH
In the bar or in the lunch line
We’ll never let a pun be left unpunned
We will from all polite society be shunned
BEN
Word nerd smarties
Ruining parties
BOTH
But we won’t be alone
BEN
In this pun-shaming world
BOTH
We will own the groan
Together in a world we won’t get lost in
BEN
We’ll be annoying!
AMY
Obnoxious!
BOTH
Completely exhaustin’!
ALL
At the Annual Pun-Off
At the Annual Pun-Off
It’s the Annual Pun-Off
BEN/AMY
Where we will face our feelings
Instead of run off
ALL
At the Pun-Off!
|
Matthew Patrick Davis Los Angeles, California
Not to be hyperbolic, but Matthew Patrick Davis is a musical genius.
Streaming and Download help
Bandcamp Daily your guide to the world of Bandcamp