Songs for the Putting of Laugh Sounds in Your Mouth Holes

by Matthew Patrick Davis

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about

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released March 26, 2016

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Track Name: Facebook Birthday DEMO
It's my Facebook Birthday!
It's my Facebook Birthday!
It's when my Facebook Wall blows up
It's my Facebook Birthday!
It's when every friend I've ever known shows up

With notifications
With sentiments fleeting
From cursory relations
I don't remember meeting
Hip-hop hooray!
It's my Facebook Birthday!
And this is what my Facebook Friends all say
They say:

"Happy Birthday, Matt"
"Happy Birthday, Matt"
"Happy Birthday, Matt"
"Happy Birthday, Matt"
"Happy Birthday, Matthew"
"Happy Birthday, Matthew"
"Happy Birthday, Matthew"
"Happy Birthday, Matthew"
"Happy Birthday, Matt"
"HBD MPD"
"HBD to MPD"
"HB HB"
"Happy Happy"
"Happy Birthday, Dude!"
"Happy Birthday, Friend"
"Happy Birthday, Buddy"
"Happy Birthday, Matt"
"Hey, you're old! Happy Birthday"
Heh, he's funny...
"Happy Birthday, Matt"
"Happy Birthday, Matt"
"Have a good one, Happy Birthday"
"Hap--"

...I'm going to throw my phone in the garbage.

It's my Facebook Birthday!
Track Name: Guns! DEMO
I'll appeal to your common sense
We need self defense
We gotta relax the rules
That's how we'll protect our cities and schools

Arm our teachers!
Or save the whole Planet Earth
And give a gun to the janitor
Every creature
With a gun
Then no one'll be shooting anyone!

Stop guns
With guns!
Stop death
With more death!
If you kill me
I'm a kill you first with my dying breath

Or take a different route
With tinier recruits
To point and shoot
At every brute
Aw, ain't that so cute!

Arm our children!
Heck, if video games they're playing
Already gets them slaying
Arm every school buildin'
They're already watching violent vids,
Why not arm our kids?

Stop guns
With guns!
Stop death
With more death!
If you kill me
I'm a kill you first with my dying breath

Or better yet, don't stop there
Arm all of our kids with prayer

If you remove God from our schools
You might as well take a trigger and pull it
'Cause like just like Superman can
A prayer can stop a bullet!

Stop guns
With prayer!
Stop death
With more prayer!
If you're aware
Of the death out there
Just say a prayer
And it'll disapp-are…

These colors don't run
These colors got a gun

I'll tell ya what else it is
It's the movie biz
All of this assault
It's violent movies' fault

Stop guns
With less guns in the movies
Stop death
With less death in the movies
A little less movie gun and less movie knife
But way more guns in real life!
Track Name: She Doesn't Like Radiohead DEMO
My girl and I
We got a lot in common
And that's why I
Think she is the bomb ’n
Just the best, just the best
She's calmin'
When i'm stressed
But--
Although i think that she's a saint
If i were to make one complaint...
She doesn't like Radiohead.
She doesn't like Radiohead.
She would never say this,
She's trying to be polite,
But I can tell she just puts up with them
And just doesn't quite
Like Radiohead
Or she doesn't get it
And it kind bothers me!
I’m trying not to let it
Because I love her in spite
Right?
Yes.
Anything else would be trite
Right?
Yes.
But how could she not like Radiohead??

Oh God, I don't wanna be that pretentious snob
Who feels like
If you don't like
Them then you're an
Idiot, an idiot, you're an idiot
No, I don't really think that she's an idiot
But why can't she see that if she liked them
We would be one in everlasting peace
And both go to heaven in a little row boat
With nothing to fear and nothing to doubt

But I might be wrong
This may be getting out of hand
I might be wrong
'Cause after all, it's just a band
It's just a band
It's just a band, Matt!
My girl and I
Have got a lot in common
My girl and I
Have really got a lot in common
Come on,
This is the opening track
Of OK Computer
Called “Airbag”
It's awesome
How could you not like this??
Or just pretend.
I mean, that's what I do!
I pretend to like “Love It or List It.”
I pretend to like “Say Yes to the Dress.”
I pretend to like Katy Perry.
I mean, I bought you tickets to all of her shows
I memorized her lyrics and choreography
I bought myself a blue wig
I renamed our cat Kitty Purry, for you!

And that makes me a firework
I’m gonna let my colors burst
Make ‘em go oh oh oh
As they shoot across the sky-y-y
But you’re a creep
You’re a weirdo
Cuz I kissed you girl and I liked it
But this is what you get,
When you mess with us...
And if you ever think you’ll ever see my peacock
I’m gonna leave you high
I'm gonna leave you dry
And if you ever, ever say again
That they sound just like Coldplay again
I’m gonna punch you in the throat.
Time to say “bye-bye”
Bye-bye.
Track Name: Across the World DEMO
Shut up about your white people problems
Shut up about your first world problems
Oh, woe is me
My phone's not LTE

But halfway across the world
People have real problems
Halfway across the world
You could throw a rock and hit a kid with AIDS
Halfway across the world
People are hacking off an elephant's face
Just to get their tooths
Halfway across the world

Shut up about your white people problems
Shut up about your first world problems
Should I get an iPad or iPad mini?
At least you're living in Papua New Guinea

Or halfway across the world
Where people have real problems
Halfway across the world
Where you could throw a rock and hit a kid with AIDS
STOP throwing rocks at that kid with AIDS
Halfway across the world
Where poachers are hacking off an elephant's face
Just to get their tooths
Halfway across the world
There are AIDS infected youths
Halfway cross the world

Quit complaining
Just be happy
You don't live anywhere near or around Africa.
Track Name: Peter Jackson (Stop Ruining Movies) DEMO
I like movies a lot
I love to get lost in a movie plot
I'll see whatever movie is showing
But this particular endeavor
Is taking forever
Just to get going

I've already gotta pee and it's still the opening credits
Clearly it's directed by a guy who never edits
I ate all my popcorn, hot dog and the rest
And these stupid, singing Hobbits haven't even begun their stupid quest!
When did it become okay to make movies this long??

Peter Jackson
You're ruining movies
Peter Jackson
Stop ruining movies

Look, your films are good, but they could be great
If just like you, they lost a ton of weight!
And the real problem is that you're making it okay
For lesser directors like Michael Bay
Fine, you did it with the Two Towers;
That dick made Transformers three fucking hours!
What used to be a light, summer popcorn flick's
An excuse for directors to stroke their... male genitals.

Peter Jackson
You're ruining movies
Peter Jackson
Stop ruining movies

Because of you, P.Jacks, we have Apatow now
Who should get a better editor who actually knows how
Who should make a tight comedy, but makes a fat cow
Come on, Judd, you're funny
But 40 Year Old Virgin?
How 'bout a minus 40 minute version?
And This is 40 was 2 hours 20
But really should've been... zero.

Peter Jackson
You're ruining movies

Bloated filmmakers come in all sizes
Heard of a movie called The Dark Knight Rises?
Avengers or Lincoln or Jackson's King Kong
They're Zero Dark Thirty minutes too long
Adding scenes for an Oscar bid
Django Unchained lasted longer than slavery did.

Peter Jackson
You're ruining movies

But we all know where this started:
With someone who's Avatarded
Whose movies just go on and on and on...

First James Cameron
Then Peter Jackson
Then Christopher Nolan
Michael Bay
And Apatow now

After all these over-loaded films, extended cuts
We will be destroyed, all hemorrhoidal with distended butts
A hundred minutes or less and that's all it should be
Just like an internet video should be no more than three.
Track Name: I'm in Love with a Girl That I Hate DEMO
I’M IN LOVE WITH GIRL
THAT I HATE--

WAIT--

THAT DIDN’T COME OUT RIGHT
I MEANT TO SAY HOW
SHE’S GREAT. GREAT.

GREAT

WHEN SHE’S IRATE--

NO, THAT JUST RHYMES,

IT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING

SHE’S HARMING WHEN SHE’S CHARMING--

I MEAN, SHE’S CHARMING WHEN SHE’S HARM--WAIT. NO.
SHE’S FUNNY!
YES, SHE’S FUNNY!

FUNNY

WHEN SHE MAKES FUN OF ME--

NO.

SHE’S NICE

TO ME

SHE’S GOT A KILLER SENSE OF HUMOR
KILLER LIKE A TUMOR--

NO--

HER LAUGHTER IS CONTAGIOUS

FOR AGES

LIKE AIDS IS--

NO!

SHE’S NICE!

AND BY “NICE” I MEAN:

...”MEAN!”

HER...BOOBS ARE NICE...

AND BY “NICE” I MEAN:

“BIG” AND “SOAPY” AND “BEAUTIFUL”
BEAUTIFUL...

AND SOMETIMES SHE’S IRRATIONAL.
OKAY, MOST TIMES SHE’S IRRATIONAL.
BUT IF I NEED COMPASSION I’LL
JUST WAIT A DAY

THEN IT’S OKAY

THEN IT’S OKAY

THEN IT’S OKAY

IT’S OKAY!!!
THAT SOMETIMES SHE’S IRRATIONAL
MOST TIMES SHE’S IRRATIONAL
NO RHYMES OR REASONS CAN
JUSTIFY
CAN EXPLAIN WHY SHE’S--
WHY SHE’S--
WHY IS SHE...

CRAZY?!?

SHE’S CRAZY!!!

DON’T GET ME WRONG,

SHE’S FUN TO HAVE AROUND,
BUT BEHIND CLOSED DOORS SHE’S
CRAZY!!!
SHE SCARES ME.

NO-- SHE HITS ME BECAUSE SHE LOVES.
NO!

THIS BRUISE ON MY EYE

IS JUST FROM WHEN I

FELL DOWN THE STAIRS.

ONE POINT IN HER FAVOR
AND I’M BEING SINCERE
I LOVE HER BECAUSE...
BECAUSE...
BECAUSE...
SHE’S HERE.

IT’S CLEAR NOW

I FEAR HER NOW

HOW CAN I GET OUT?
I’VE GOT TO GET OUT.
I’VE GOT TO GET OUT.

BUT YOU THINK WE FIGHT NOW
WHEN I OFFER HER FLOWERS
AND SHOWERS

OF PRAISE
WHAT IF I TRY TO GET OUT?
WATCH HER SCREAM AND SHOUT
FOR HOURS--

DAYS.

SO I THINK I’LL SETTLE.
SETTLE FOR BEING IN LIKE.
SETTLE FOR SOMEONE ALRIGHT.
ALRIGHT.
ALRIGHT.

ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT:

I’M IN LOVE WITH A GIRL
THAT I HATE!

I WISH I COULD LEAVE
BUT IT’S TOO LATE!

TOO LATE!
Track Name: Well Wishes DEMO
I'm really awesome
You should be so lucky
But you've gone and chosen someone else
Good luck with that. No. Really.

Good luck
With your stupid life
With your stupid kids
Being a stupid wife
As you surely will be
Because you went and picked
Not me
What a great a idea
You idiot you went and picked
Not me

All of my well wishes
Really aren't malicious
Enjoy washing his dishes

For the rest of your stupid life 
With your stupid kids
Being a stupid wife
As you surely will be
Because you went and picked
Not me
What a great a idea
You idiot you went and picked
Not me ...idiot.
Track Name: Never Forget (A Love Song) DEMO
I’ll never forget
Where I was on the day
JFK was shot thru the head

I’ll never forget
Where I was on the day
The Twin Towers both fell and 3,000 were dead

I’ll never forget
Where I was on the day
When Martin Luther King died too

And I’ll never forget
Where I was when I met
You.

You’re unforgettable
You’re like a national tragedy of epic proportion
You’re incredible
You make everyone stop what they’re doin’

I’ll never forget
Where I was on the day
Princess Di died

I’ll never forget
Where I was on the day
OJ was acquitted of double homicide

I’ll never forget
Where I was on the day
When the Challenger exploded in two

And I’ll never forget
Where I was when I met
You.
Track Name: Steve Jobs (Doesn't Care About You (He's Dead)) DEMO
I buy a thing
Two years pass
I buy a new thing
Aww, kiss my ass!

The new thing doesn't work with the old thing
The new thing doesn't work with the old thing
The new thing doesn't work
It’s not backwards compatible

And then there's Maps
Don't get me started
It’s the worst of apps
Tim Cook farted

Steve Jobs wouldn't've done that
Steve Jobs wouldn't've done that
Steve Jobs wouldn't've done that
Uhh, yes he would!

Steve Jobs doesn't care about you
Steve Jobs doesn't care about you
Steve Jobs doesn't care about you
He's dead.

He was always replacing the old thing
With a new thing that didn't work
Okay, pretty soon it'd work
But in the meantime, you complain, you're the jerk

Oh...
You're not using it right, no
You're not holding it right, no
You're not using it right, no
Antenna-Gate??

Oh, they figured it out
And then they took away the Maps
And took away the native YouTube apps
Just 'cuz them and Google can't play and be nice
We consumers, we pay the price

Steve Jobs doesn't care about you
Steve Jobs doesn't care about you
Steve Jobs doesn't care about you
He's dead.

My love for your products is oh, so immense
But the rules within, they don't make any sense
Steve Jobs.
Track Name: Like Lightning DEMO
I love you
Like lightning loves a rain shower
I love you
Like lightning loves the Hill Valley Clock Tower
I love you
Like lightning loves Ben Franklin's kite
I love you
Like lightning loves folks in their jacuzzi on a rainy night
And golfers too
I love you

I love you
Like Twinkies loves a fat guy
I love you
Like herpes loves a frat guy
I love you
Like chicken loves a pot pie
I love you
Like lightning loves folks in their jacuzzi on a rainy night
And Franklin's kite
And golfers too
I love you!
I finally got a girlfriend...