I watched the Watch launch
on my Apple TV
And ya think I’m not gonna get it?
Ha! Apple Watch me!

I’ve already got the iPad, my MacBook and Phone
And my wrist has been naked
How could I have never known??
But… Wait— Stop and think, Matt. Do you need this?

Duhhh, yes, I neeeed it
When the Apple FanBoy hungers, you feed it
I’m gonna get a text on my wrist and just read it
Not go thru my pocket
Swipe right to unlock it
That is a chore
I won’t do anymore

BUT—
Some people think a phone’s a cancer risk
You’ll get cancer wrist
Covered in a Watch-shaped Cancer Cyst
It’s a cancer risk
You’ll get a cancer wrist
Covered in a Watch-shaped Cancer Cyst
It’s a cancer risk
You’ll get a cancer wrist
Covered in a Watch-shaped Cancer Cyst
Cancer Cyst
….WORTH IT!

I need it
When the Apple FanBoy hungers, you feed it
I’m gonna get a text on my wrist and just read it
Not go thru my pocket
Swipe right to unlock it
That is a chore,
So here I come, Apple Store!!
Feed me that sweet sweet Apple Watch nectar,
It’ll die after an hour, but I’ll charge it with my MagSafe Connnector
I don’t care! I want it!
Got money to burn, let’s flaunt it!
And buy the freaking gold one
The refinance your home just to hold one

Finally, there’s a product that’s meant
For ME, the one percent
Is it the milanese loop or link bracelet I prefer?
I don’t know, Jeeves, let me ask my chauffeur

K, fine, that’s not me
Unless I sell drugs
Like a guy did in China, who seriously was arrested for selling drugs to be able to afford an Apple Watch, look it up!
I guess I gotta get the cheap one
Where’s the cheap one?
There’s gotta be a cheap one, right?
Good god,
Every single price point’s ridic
When it dies in two years it’ll be a 10 grand brick!

You’ll be busy hunting pheasant
With a gold hunk a’ junk long gone obsolescent
Not an investment like a Rolex, passed to your heirs
It’ll be more like bequeathing your Blockbuster shares
Or expecting a grandson to be grateful you bestowed ‘im
Your Dot Matrix Printer and Dial Up Modem

Can’t you just make one that’s plastic and cheap
If you wanna sell well beyond your Apple sheep?

Or help Google make a car drive unmanned
Use your money for good
You’ve too much time on your *hand*

Still I’m a SLAVE and I neeeed it
When the Apple FanBoy hungers, you feed it
I’m gonna get a text, lift my wrist and just read it
Not go thru my pocket
Swipe right to unlock it
That is a chore I won’t do anymore
When I sell drugs
to buy my Apple Watch!